Great Expectations

As I went through school I was a decent student. Let me be clear, I was never a great student, but I was a decent student. When I graduated high school I was smack in the middle of my class. When I first went to college I struggled. My struggles weren't learning related, but life related. Through all of this, I saw the expression on my parents' faces, I had not met their expectations. 

I know they wanted me to be like my late brother, but I was never that student. I was also not that athletic. I was a chunky kid, who enjoyed sports, but was not an active sports person. My area of strength was singing and acting. My mother loved that, but my dad could not have cared less. He tolerated my activities. 

Where I really disappointed was with academics. Like I said I was a decent student. College though because of everything I went through, I got kicked out twice from school. By the time I got my life together, I graduated from Loyola University Chicago cum laude. Even then, what I heard was, "Oh you finally liked school." I never disliked school, it just took me a long time to figure how I learn. 

This year I have dealt for the first time with parents who are coming to grips with their expectations of their children versus what the reality is. Autism is difficult to navigate. I understand that. Add other conditions or disabilities to the Autism, and you really see the struggle parents have. My heart goes out to them. 

I have been in the room where the difficult conversations are being had. Parents want the best for their children. They want their child to be independent, fully participating members of society. They want to know how to get their child there. They want their children to go to college like they did. They want them to be fully realized adults who can tackle the world. 

Here's the thing, those children may not go to college. They will tackle the world on their terms, and deal with the ups and downs of life. Until they head out into the world, we need to meet these children where they are, and not where we want them to be. 

What continues to boggle my mind is the desire to have a child be independent, but wanting someone to work one to one with their child at all times. Make sure their every need is met in school. Those are parallel lines which do not intersect. They want someone to take notes for them, give them answers, but at the same time do things on their own. They want them to be resilient, without going through hardship. 

Sorry folks, kids got to fall down, scrape knees, cry a bit, and then learn how to go on. They can't have someone put a pillow under them before they fall. At the same time, we can support them to make sure they don't fall as often, and give them tools to get up and go one. 

Sadly, I deal with angry parents. They rattle everything accommodation their child "should" have, and then get mad those can't all be provided, or that we are providing them, and their child STILL isn't where the parent wants them to be. 

Progress with a child on the spectrum is incremental. There is no great "ah ha" moment, where a child gets it, and the world falls into place. I have students who have been with me for three years, and only now are things beginning to click.

This is a tough one to explain to parents. Kids are not on our timetable to learn, they are on theirs. I struggle with this as a teach various math concepts. I always have to remember the student in front of me is doing the best they can, and maybe I need to try something different. 

Where it gets really tough is when a parent wants to argue with me. Some parents work hard to make me feel I am the problem, that somehow I have failed their child. I have never failed a child. Maybe a student didn't write the essay I hoped they would, but I see they did their best, and I grade based on their abilities, and not always what I think they should be doing. A parent may look at the same essay, and feel that isn't how they would write it. It may not even be the way I write an essay, but if the student followed the instructions, strategies, and gave me what I was looking for, that's a win. 

The point of all of this, while I appreciate the expectations parents have, we need to look at what a child can do, or is capable of doing, and base our expectations on that, and not what we hope and dream for.